so here i am.

so here i  am and its after four in the morning.
i can't stop thinking about the past, thinking about what an idiot i was.
he was right there, right before my eyes and i was too stupid not to see it.
what the hell was i thinking? i could shoot myself for that.
i can never tell with what he says.. we have this bond, i can't even describe it.. it's unlike anything i've ever experienced before. if i were to go back in time, go back to scotland, i think i would have done things differently. he is one of the only people who gets me, truly gets me, and loves me for the messed up, sick, twisted, broken person i am. he said he will love me when i'm better, and love me while i'm sick. how could i have not seen it? now my heart physically hurts once again. boys give me their numbers, over and over, i don't want them. i want him, for now, for tomorrow, maybe even forever.. i'm not sure, love is a scary thing. i don't want to love him, because i might lose him. i don't want to love him because i'm pretty sure he will never love me back that way.. and i don't want to ruin that friendship. i'll get to see him this summer.. gosh i am so fucking stupid to even think i might have a chance. if i even HAD a chance back then, i blew it. i was so preoccupied with said boy back home and with aaron, i didn't even see it. i am so stupid.
i hate myself :/