why do all the good, decent people end up going through hell? i don't understand any of it. the doctors reports came back that Ernie's cancer is tumors in his liver. right now they know of one which is too big to remove, and there may be more. what the fuckkkkkkkk. he doesn't deserve to go through cancer, especially after what his wife went through. and his grandchildren.. they need him so much.
i don't fucking get it.
i've told my best friends what's going on.. emily's been the only one to say she'll be praying. i feel like this is kinda getting.. idk.. i just feel like right now no one's comforting me or telling me it'll be okay. i sent out a prayer request to people from cape, i know that they'll pray and encourage me in Christ because i need that support. stephen replied and it was really nice to hear from him.. i just feel so alone, i feel like i have no fucking support whatsoever and someone needs to be strong through this. suddenly everything doesn't seem so important anymore.
and oh my gosh.. i don't even know what to think about tonight.. i'm mad, i'm annoyed, but i have no reason to be legitimately mad.. is it really what i want? i wish i could get inside his head, i wish i could understand what he's thinking, because if it's not what i think it is i'm not sure if it's worth it. oh my gosh i fucking hate my life. i hate cancer, i fucking hate it. damn it to hell.
good people like Ernie deserve much better things than cancer, he's one of the most amazing people i've ever had the honor to know.
the doctors have given him six to nine months i guess, and it just seems like such a short time.. he's always been there for my family, ALWAYS through everything. i wish i was able to talk to him more and get more advice.. he's been there through thick and thin, always helping my mom out and supporting her.
and the worst part is that i feel like i'm facing this alone. i feel so fucking alone and i feel like i've been crying out to my friends, or to someone.. and its almost like they're too wrapped up in themselves to just STOP and fucking text me back and say, oh yeah kelsey i'm so sorry i'm praying. it's hard because some of the people i needed the most just blew it off or forgot to answer or whatever the hell their excuse is.
nothing seems to matter anymore.
i don't care about anything. all i want is a bottle of vodka and a knife.
and i don't even drink, but it sounds like a good fucking idea to me right now.
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