i'm falling;

i'm slipping.
slipping back into old habits.. its a never ending cycle. if i stop i lose all that i've worked for, and i've worked hard for it. the pain, the long hours, the wishing and waiting, the years that it's taken to reach this level. so close to my goal.. but in the end i know its not good for me. but how can i stop now? i don't want to go back. back then i was no one. no one would give me a second look, no one would look at me in that way. i was invisible, i was unhappy. so when something so "bad" consumes you, is that really that bad if it makes you happy? or at least takes you on the road to what will make you happy? i know that i need to find my happiness in Christ, which i really do, but this is just something that controls me, that i need. people say it isn't good for me, but its too late to stop now. if only they knew. but they'd never guess it in a million years.