Speak to Me:

God, please speak to me tonight, i need to hear your voice.

today's been pretty bad.. i've gotten really sick. i think its a lot of stress and hurt that's doing this to me. i can't sleep anymore, all i can do is think about how much i miss my best friends, how much i wish they would care about me, how much i wish they'd try to talk to me. and i know that's not going to happen. this is what's going to happen, emily is going to keep being absorbed with her USC friends, astrid and tessa move into school next week, and therefore they will be unavailable. they don't care, and i doubt they ever will.
if one more bad thing happens, i swear, i'm at the end of my rope. i want to just fall off the face of the planet, i want to be in heaven where the pains gone. i'm tired of this pain, i want to give up. if i were to die right now, maybe they would care. maybe they'd be upset. maybe they'd make SOME effort to understand what i'm going through.. that's all i want. is for them to be there for me, to come running to catch me when i'm falling.. but that's not going to happen. i need to get a grip, they don't give a rats ass. and i'm not sure what hurts the most, the fact that i had believed they cared and have been proved wrong, or the fact that most of this came from me getting drunk, and the other third of it is involvement at the church. which makes me mad at God, he stole my best friend.

fuck this shit, i want this to be over.
i fainted today in my kitchen, if anything else happens it'll kill me.